There seems to be a new men’s community launching every week.
Some promise brotherhood. Some promise accountability. Some promise purpose. Most promise connection. And judging by the number of podcasts, retreats, masterminds, memberships, private groups and men’s circles suddenly competing for your attention, you’d think the biggest problem facing midlife men is a lack of community. I disagree. I believe it goes back one step further.
First, the loneliness epidemic is real. I’ve written about it. I’ve lived through parts of it myself. Men lose friendships as they age. Careers expand while social circles shrink. Kids’ schedules replace our own. The friendships that once happened naturally suddenly require planning. We become busier and more isolated and more set in our ways.
That’s all true.
What I’m not convinced of is that joining another community is the answer.
Because when I look at the men I admire most, the ones who seem grounded, healthy, confident, engaged, and genuinely fulfilled, I don’t see guys spending their lives searching for belonging. I see men doing the work. Taking care of themselves. Keeping promises to themselves. Showing up for their families. Building businesses. Training. And regularly doing things they enjoy.
They don’t join random communities. They start doing things they’re personally interested in and then they find themselves part of that community.
The problem is that somewhere along the way we began treating “community” as the starting line when, for many men, it’s actually the result of doing things. Right now, too many brands have it backwards because every men’s movement is selling you “community first”.
It’s a booming industry built on a real problem. But what I see being marketed to men today is weekly Zoom calls with strangers, weekend retreats in the woods, mastermind groups at $97.95 a month, and access to “like-minded men” packaged and priced like a software subscription.
That’s not community, it’s capitalism dressed up as connection, aimed directly at midlife men who are concerned enough to want something better and busy enough not to question whether what’s being sold actually delivers the thing you want. I disagree with this strategy because I’ve found something way more promising that works: find things you love to do and do more of them!
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It’s that simple. Yes, connection matters. Friends matter. Having fun matters. Community absolutely matters. I’m not arguing against any of that. My point is that it isn’t where you start. It’s where you end up.
Case in point, because of a recent shoulder injury, I decided to take up pickleball. I wanted something to do with other guys to replace some of the training I did. Was I looking for friends or community? No. I didn’t start there.
I started with a fun activity that I wanted to do: pickleball. So I started showing up to the courts every week at the same time. Then I’d see the same guys. And guess what? Slowly but surely I’ve made a few new friends to play pickleball with. And we have a few things in common because of that: pickleball, interest in fitness and sports, we like competition, etc…
Our Editor in Chief, Jon, did the same thing. He wanted to compete in swimming again after a long layoff. Did he join a Facebook community to talk about swimming? Hell, no. He joined a Masters Swim team at 46. He practices three or four days a week and competes in meets every few months. And now he has a new crew of swimming guys he’s buddies with. He didn’t set out to do that. He didn’t feel like he “needed to join a swimming community”. He simply did the thing he wanted to do and met likeminded guys.
That’s the takeaway: Accountability to yourself produces positive results you’re not even after.
Joining something for the sake of it doesn’t fix anything. You can be in ten communities and still be lost. You can attend every retreat, every call, every gathering and every mastermind and still have no direction. You can surround yourself with people and still be miserable because you’re not really doing anything.
So, find the things that get your blood flowing again and do them.
The men I respect most didn’t become who they are because they found the perfect group. They became who they are because they committed to finding time for the things they’re passionate about and they met guys like them.
You can do the same.
In Health,
Greg Scheinman
Founder, Midlife Male
Husband. Father. Entrepreneur. Coach.
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