The Judge: He makes a ruling on the midlife male’s tough questions
I see all these guys doing things to make themselves look younger, like Botox and hair transplants. I never saw the appeal. Or are they onto something?
Let me tell you about my cousin’s ex-husband. He’s in his mid-50s and works in tech, which really doesn’t matter except for the fact that he deals with a lot of clients, has plenty of social engagements for work, and—how shall I say it?—likes to pretend he’s 19 and in a pledge class at the state university whenever he goes out.
Over the last decade, at least according to my cousin, he’s been trying to tap the brakes on his age, at least when it comes to how he looks. He started hair-growth medicine back before people really talked about it, he gets regular Botox, and I swear I can tell that his eyebrows arch at a different angle than they did when we last got together (she showed me some of his present-day photos).
What makes me laugh is that he’s a grade-A Assclown. Treats people like dirt. Thinks he’s Brad Pitt. And pretends that the world revolves around him.
If I wanted, I could give the guy a break and say, fine, he can do whatever he wants to do with his face, hair, eyebrows, lips, and all that. If that makes him feel better about himself, leave the man alone! But I don’t want to. Why? Because he doesn’t look younger. He looks like a man-boobed creep whose face was manufactured by a fourth grader at the controls of a 3D printer.
I’m being especially hard on him not because of what he’s doing to help nudge his age backwards. I’m doing it because I think the way he’s approaching it is a misdirection: He’s going to use all of these aids to make myself knock a few years off his appearance when the reality is that nobody cares if he’s wrinkle-free if he’s a d-bag.
Look, I’m not naïve. I know that aging is complicated, and when things change, it brings up all kinds of issues about our worth, our virility, our place in life, our everything. That happens even if we know deep down that losing our hair has zero correlation to what really matters.
So the way I see it, you want to do something that smooths you in some areas, hardens you in others, and makes you feel like a few bucks north of a million, then by all means, do it. But think of these things as extras–not the main course. All the spice in the world doesn’t turn a cafeteria steak into a prime cut.
You want to look younger for whatever reason is important to you? Go for it, but don’t ignore the things that exponentially make you feel younger: One, get your ass in shape. Botox ain’t gonna zap a beer gut. Nothing says strength like strength. Two, don’t be afraid to own it. Go gray, shave your head, whatever. Three, and this is most important: All these measures to look young are null and void if you’re a lousy human because people can detect pretty quickly if your combover isn’t the only thing that’s a façade.
