“How are you?”

“Busy.”

“Busy” often becomes our go-to response to this question in midlife. We become defined by our busy-ness. Society tells us that being busy is cool, that you’re up to something. But deep down, “busy” isn’t who you are. Maybe you’ve forgotten who you really are.

Rather than design our lives such that we can talk about what we’re doing and how we are fulfilled, we become prisoners to what I like to call “the busy trap.” 

The truth is that most of us don’t even know what it is that we want. Most men don’t have a particular passion, and even if and when they do find it, it won’t pay the bills or provide the lifestyle they want. So, instead, we end up chasing the wrong thing for the wrong reason at the wrong time in our lives.

Been there, done that.

How to Know You’re In the Busy Trap

The busy trap feels and sounds like this:

  • You’re just going through the motions, which leaves you feeling complacent, conforming, over-stressed, overworked, under-rested, and under-satisfied.⁣
  • You’re not the man you thought you’d become (And still want to become) regarding your health, happiness, fun, confidence, and quality of life.⁣
  • You’ve realized you work for a company that doesn’t care about you, OR
  • You’ve created a business that doesn’t fulfill you anymore and creates a golden cage rather than the time independence that made you pursue entrepreneurship in the first place.
  • You want to re-engineer your perspectives regarding your career.
  • You’re weighing the next step to be responsible for regarding your personal and professional life, finances, and mental health.
  • You feel that if you don’t make moves now, you probably never will.
  • You’re aging, your spouse and children are aging, and you’re starting to wonder whether you’ll have regrets.
  • You’re just unhappy or feeling “blah” about things in life. Life isn’t bad – but it could be better.

Believe it or not, these thoughts and many others result from the busy trap.

Start with Subtraction

Most men I hear from don’t have clarity on what they really want or like. But they’re very clear on what they don’t want and what they don’t like.

We go through the motions. We do things we don’t want to do and don’t have to do, but keep doing them anyway.

  • We’re seeing and spending time with people we don’t like.
  • We’re taking unnecessary meetings.
  • We’re going to events and things that could have been optional.
  • We’re filling our calendars with busy-ness and activities that are absolutely not essential to fill time, resources, and space.

Consider that lifestyle design and calendar control start with doing less, not adding more.

You can’t redecorate a room if it’s already filled with a bunch of stuff. Gotta clear some space first. 

Make it your goal to have a few important and meaningful things on your calendar, rather than impress yourself with your own busy-ness.

“Do only what is necessary and required. Efficiency is elegant. Less is more.” – Scott Terry

Define Your Operating System

Once you’ve cleared some space, take the time to define your personal “operating system.” When I work with clients, we call this the MAP: your Maximized Action Plan. You can call yours whatever you like.

Your personal operating system covers the various domains of your life that you care about. At Midlife Male, we call these the 6 F’s: Family, Fitness, Finance, Food, Fashion and Fun. Swipe our categories and customize them for yourself however you see fit.

First, define why these domains are important to you. What would fulfillment in this area of life look like? What actions would move you in this direction? Write down what a day or week in your ideal life would look like.

Then, start plotting these actions into your calendar. If a stranger looked at your weekly calendar and how you spend your time, would they see the same personal values you see for yourself?

Here are some examples.

  • I wanted to travel for personal development more often. So I put a physical challenge or retreat of some kind on the books once a quarter, and always have the flights and hotel for the next one booked in advance to keep myself on the hook.
  • I wanted to cultivate a local workout community, so I started hosting friends and acquaintances at my garage gym on Sunday mornings.
  • I wanted to build a home office, so I carved out time to work with someone to help me pick out equipment and hardware, then had my handyman help me get it all set up. Now, I love showing up to work.

Show me your calendar, and I’ll show you your priorities.