Collect moments, not things.
I didn’t fall into the typical midlife crisis.
I wasn’t unhappy in my marriage, with my family or even my physical health or financial situation.
Sure, I was unhappy with my job at the time, but that was mostly my fault. I wasn’t looking for an affair or needing to buy a Porsche.
Instead, I found myself operating inauthentically and continuing to chase authenticity where it didn’t exist, which was exhausting.
On the surface, I had a lot of “friends,” followers, an audience and supporters, but very few “real” friends.
It’s a funny thing that happens as you get older: Some of the friends you’ve had the longest and who should know the most about you start to know the least, and you about them. This is the midlife crisis that men don’t talk about with their wives, colleagues or anyone, to be honest. And it’s an epidemic.
I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
Research backs up this experience.
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A study by the American Psychological Association found that nearly one-third of men aged 45-64 reported feeling lonely or isolated.
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Another survey by the Mental Health Foundation revealed that 35% of men aged 35-54 reported experiencing anxiety or depression.
I realized that I had been so focused on building my career and maintaining an image that I had neglected the real connections that make life meaningful. I had become an expert at superficial interactions, but I had lost touch with the people who truly mattered to me.
To address this, I went deep in my search. I spent a week at Modern Elder Academy in Baja, another at SoulDegree in Vermont, got my ass handed to me by Navy Seals and young fire breathers at HPLT, climbed the equivalent of Mount Everest twice at 29029, joined Impact Eleven (a keynote speakers community), and attended countless group exercise classes, Al-Anon meetings and workshops.
“Maybe my purpose is down here somewhere.”
This is without counting how many things I looked into that I chose not to do.
I also started a podcast to have deeper conversations with men I thought were living interesting lives and could help me in the areas I was seeking improvement, which I call my “6F’s”: Family, Fitness, Finance, Food, Fashion and Fun.
The podcast led to a newsletter to share what I was learning. The two combined became my bestselling book. That led to speaking, coaching and launching the Midlife Male Inner Circle community.
Like anything else, change comes from the choices you make and the actions you take. It doesn’t happen overnight, and there are no shortcuts. This was a three-year process for me from 47-50, and now, at 51, I’m in a better place. Not perfect, but better. The work continues.
You don’t graduate, and you don’t stop. Progress is a process, and learning and finding the joy in the process is what maximizing midlife is all about.
As I made these changes and put myself out there, I discovered that we attract and repel exactly what we deserve. The more I changed my actions, the more I developed better relationships.
I met the right people for me in the right places for us – gyms, events and experiences that I chose, rather than the inherited relationships and obligations that come from our kids’ schools, work, little league teams and neighborhoods where I often felt like the outlier.
Some of the key steps I took included:
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Reaching out to old friends and making an effort to reconnect on a deeper level.
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Seeking out new connections with people who shared my values and interests.
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Being vulnerable and honest about my struggles, both with myself and others.
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Engaging in activities that brought me joy and fulfillment, rather than just going through the motions.
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Seeking professional help, such as therapy or coaching, to work through my challenges.
As I implemented these strategies and shared my journey through my various platforms, I found that I was not alone. Many men reached out to me, sharing their own stories and expressing gratitude for the guidance and support.
This reinforced the importance of building authentic connections and being open about the challenges we face.
Through my journey, I’ve learned that the real midlife crisis is not about buying a sports car or having an affair. It’s about recognizing when you’ve lost touch with what really matters and taking steps to reconnect with yourself and others. It’s about being honest about your struggles and reaching out for support, even when it’s uncomfortable.
To other men facing this crisis, I say this:
You are not alone
The epidemic of loneliness and disconnection among middle-aged men is real, but situations and circumstances can either defeat you or define you. You have a choice.
By being authentic, vulnerable and proactive, you can build the real connections that will sustain you through this challenging period and beyond. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
Trust me. I’ve been there, and I’m still on the journey. But every genuine connection I make reminds me of what truly matters in life.
