Fact: 100% of dads and granddads are out for blood on mini golf courses.
It’s summer and all across beach towns and vacation spots and different shores from Jersey to Hilton Head to Florida to San Diego and beyond, dads in “summer mode” are sauntering onto mini-golf courses with their flip flops and families for some “harmless” entertainment while we secretly want to dominate like it’s the damned Masters.
Sure, we act like we’re encouraging our kids or in-laws. We smile and say dumb stuff like “we’re just here to have fun”. And when you dink one into the windmill we say “you’ll get it next time” or if you bounce one next to the fake volcano maybe we’ll pat you on the back and say “you got it”.
We might even say “you’re playing great” to a family member knocking down a few 2s in a row, but on the inside, know this:
We want to crush you.
We want 18 holes-in-one while you shoot a million. We want you to know that in this goofy-ass game, with pirate ship’s planks and curvy greens and holes in the bottom of lighthouses, that we’re still the king. The man. The Tiger Woods of this family.
We act nonchalantly. We keep everyone going in the right order. We jot down scores. We pretend it’s just casual and a breezy family night out.
But we quietly know EXACTLY how your front nine is going. We know how many shots we’re ahead. We know if our 14-year-old son or 8-year-old or 77-year-old mom is within striking distance.
Here’s a fun fact: We let you all go first not because someone said “let’s go youngest to oldest” or that we’re being generous so you don’t have to wait. Nope. That’s our friendly facade.
We let you dummies go first so we can see how the hole plays.
Yep.
Every dad with an ounce of competitiveness in his blood does this.
And we know our 7-year-olds and 11-year-olds and wives might not care at all how they do on the course. We know in the grand scheme of things these 18 holes on this artificial turf in this random beach town don’t mean squat to you. That you genuinely just want to “have fun”.
What a hilarious concept. You want to have “fun”.
Well, we’re dads. Fun is fine, but here’s what we want:
We want a damn course record every time out.
We want the free putt-putt round or free ice cream for a hole in one on number 14 where the ball loops over the bridge and down a funnel and kicks off a plastic whale into the hole.
We want rival dads to glance over and nod in approval.
We want other dad’s kids to see us and tell their dad: “that guy’s good.”
Any golfing dad who doesn’t admit this is lying.
FYI: On the night I took this photo, with my family and my brother’s family and my parents all playing across two groups, I got 2 holes in one in a single round. Nobody else playing remembers this but me. And that’s all that matters.
If you’re a petty dad who takes pride in his vacation mini golf game, share this with other dads right now.
And tell me your greatest mini-golf feat or score.
Every dad should hear about it (even if your family doesn’t give a shit haha).
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Jon Finkel
Editor-in-Chief, Midlife Male
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Check out my latest books at jonfinkel.com
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