My single biggest purpose in life

I think about the life lessons I was taught by my father and how many more I missed out on learning from him when he passed away all the time.

While my mother did the best she could, nothing replaces a father for a boy or young man.

This past weekend during a trip to Aspen with some of my friends and clients, a simple moment on a motorbike took me decades back in time. I hadn’t ridden a motorcycle since I was a kid, but there were two on the ranch we were staying at. One of the guys said “You know how to ride?”

The moment I climbed on, my father’s teachings echoed in my mind: “Step down on the pedal, put the bike in gear, slowly release the clutch, give it some gas.” It was as if no time had passed, and his voice was right there, guiding me.

It struck me that I hadn’t taught Auden and Harper how to ride a bike or drive a stick shift, foundational experiences my father made sure to teach me. I’m now committed to making that happen.

I consider myself a slow learner and a late bloomer because I was reluctant to seek help, mentorship or guidance for the majority of my life.

I just figured that losing my father meant I was on my own. I played the hand I was dealt the best I could, and didn’t understand that there was a whole other world of opportunity available to me to find other smart, strong, capable men out there who I could learn from and who could guide me. I didn’t get that memo until much later in life.

As I work to raise my boys into strong, positive young men and ultimately good adults, I think back to all the things that I missed, all the things that I didn’t know then but wish I had, and that I have come to learn and acquire later in life.

Truth is, it’s why I do what I do now with the podcast, speaking, coaching and this newsletter. All of this started because I didn’t have the answers to so many of life’s questions. I figured since I don’t have the answers, I had better start asking the right guys the right questions, listen to their answers and then apply them to develop how I want to live and parent my boys.

Letting go of the belief that I had to figure it out all by myself has been my single biggest breakthrough.

I start from a place of reflection, not to feel sorry for myself or have anyone feel sorry for me, but to figure out how I can make sure my boys don’t miss out on the things I did.

How can I do for them what I wished was there for me? I don’t know if I’m getting it right. But am I doing the best I can? Yes. Do I feel blessed and proud of our boys every day? Absolutely. Are there days that are less than stellar? 100%. Do we all make mistakes and missteps? Yup. And we are all incredibly fortunate to have Kate as part of our lives? Unconditionally, unequivocally.

I had incredible financial privilege early on and I squandered most of it. So I can see differences in how our boys are operating compared to how I operated at their ages.

Having seen and experienced entitlement and privilege first hand, I’m certain that entitlement is one of the worst things you can do for your kids. This is not to say that I am not generous with my kids. I am not drawing a hard line in the sand and saying I am leaving my kids nothing. Had there not been proper estate planning when my father passed, we would have been in a much deeper world of hurt.

Entitlement sets up a barrier to both appreciating the true value of effort and enjoying the satisfaction of achieving a goal. I am determined to teach my sons that nothing worthwhile comes without hard work, and that the privileges they enjoy should be matched by personal responsibility and contribution.

I’m setting my family up to be financially secure and have flexibility to pursue opportunities in life. But I’m also doing everything I can to instill a sense of value, work ethic, achievement and the understanding that no one is coming to save you. There will be no handouts.

Whatever you are receiving is to be earned, not given. There is absolutely a quid pro quo in our house. You are rewarded and compensated based on performance, effort and attitude. You’re not owed anything without producing and upholding your end of the bargain.

When you ask me what makes me most proud, it’s seeing my boys trying and working and failing and succeeding.

Three rules

We had three rules for Auden when he went off to college.

I’m not telling you to follow these, I’m not telling you that I’m getting it right. And I’m not even telling you that I came up with these myself, because I didn’t.

Like most things that I do, it came from somebody I know and I trust and I respect, my close friend and business partner Kirk, whose son happens to be a year ahead at CU. Kirk is an incredible entrepreneur, husband, father and self-made guy.

“I made my son get a job,” he said.

I was like “Wait. What? Tell me more.” I never had a job in college. My mother just sent me off with a credit card and then I went nuts for four years.

”He has to earn it. He is on scholarship – my scholarship. To maintain his scholarship, he has to have a certain GPA, stay in shape and have a job.”

Those became my three rules as well.

The job doesn’t make a dent in the galactically irresponsible number that is out-of-state tuition at these universities. Instead, it instills work ethic, responsibility and ownership of your situation. We’re in this together, and privileges such as a four-year scholarship to a university can’t just be a free ride. That’s not how it works.

I took this to Auden and we had a chat. Did he want to get a job? No. Did I hear that 90% of the guys in his fraternity do not have jobs? Yes.

My answer to that was “Great. That means 10% of them do, and those are the 10% that I want you to be best friends with –  and whose parents I will probably like the most.”  Because being successful and being in the 1% in life means more than just managing expectations it is about exceeding expectations.

This past week, I was in Boulder visiting Auden. I woke up, got my workout in, and went over to Deli Zone on the Hill on campus. It was 9:00 am on a Monday morning, and there was my son behind the counter, working, earning. It absolutely was the best breakfast sandwich I ever had.

When he asked me if he could take my Super 73 electric bike back to school so that he could get to and from his job easier rather than having to walk all that distance, it was a no-brainer.

I saw that bike parked outside of Deli Zone. I saw him responsible enough to be at work on time and hold down this job while maintaining his GPA. I saw the owner of the shop tell me what a good young man he was. As I watched him serve all of the students who were coming in and out, I felt like he was on the right side of that counter, and I was exceptionally proud.

This past week, our other son Harper put out his second compilation album. He has created a niche for himself as a creative, visual storyteller, collaborator and artist in the music and fashion space in Houston, and at 17 he is self-taught as a director, producer, photographer and designer whose work has now been sold at Madison Square Garden.

The merch that he designed has brought together dozens of high-profile and new talented artists producing music videos, flyers, posters, album covers, and to see the response that he is getting from the community and the media from doing something he loves and is passionate about just warms my heart.

Am I bragging? Humbly, I hope. What I really hope you take away from this is that I hope everyone feels the same way about their kids as I do about mine.

We’re living in a challenging time, raising young men. We focus on what we can control and think about what positive masculinity looks like, and work to cultivate physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial strength.

This is the time that we should be doubling down as husbands, fathers, parents, and providers.  The way I see it, raising the next generation, particularly in challenging times, is about more than providing opportunities. It’s about instilling a sense of duty, value and purpose that transcends the material. It’s about teaching them what positive masculinity looks like, acts like and feels like, embodied in family values, ethics and a strong character.

My friend Mark Samuel wrote this the other day and nailed it:

How to raise strong young men

Here are some things fathers can do to raise strong young men.

• Be present. Provide guidance, support and mentorship to your sons.

• Instill a strong work ethic and sense of responsibility. Encourage things like jobs and self-sufficiency.

• Teach values. Prioritize values like integrity, ethics, strength of character, and conviction.

• Support their goals. Endorse your children’s education and creative/career pursuits while still maintaining responsibilities.

• Be a good role model. Lead by example through strong family values and fatherhood.

• Teach your children the value of hard work. Focus on responsibility and self-sufficiency rather than entitlement.

It’s our responsibility and obligation as fathers to lead our kids.

We must teach them about nutrition, exercise, technology, kindness, and discernment between what’s real and what isn’t.

This is about living my legacy, not just leaving it.

The greatest legacy I can have is what I give to my two boys each day to help them become the kind of men they want to be.

People ask me what maximizing midlife looks like. Right now, it looks like a job at Deli Zone. Right now, it looks like a T-Shirt or a compilation album. Because that’s what matters most.

As midlife men ourselves, let us commit to raising our sons with intention and purpose, showing them through our actions how to lead lives of meaning and responsibility. This is how we change the world—one son at a time.

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How I see it: vision and visualization

I’d just like to come home after a few days on the road, have no mail waiting for me, hug my son, grill a steak with baked potato and spinach (my favorite meal), sit in the sauna, do a cold plunge, shower, eat a gummy, climb into bed, get a blowjob, and sleep for nine hours tonight. Is that so much to ask?

Yup… Apparently it is, actually. Because for one, it never happens like that, and two, when I text my friends about this, they just laugh… The kind of laugh that comes from understanding exactly what I’m feeling and experiencing.

As I mentioned earlier this week, it’s important to keep the vision of your ideal day in the forefront of your mind. I think they call that “manifestation.” At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

My little coming home journal entry/wish list may seem crass, selfish or fantasyland, but it’s based in reality. From healthy routines to sex and relationship harmony to having the whitespace to actually be with my family, all these little details are the hopeful outcomes of the actions that I can and should be taking each day.

Remember, it’s the actions you take, and choices you make that make the outcome you want inevitable.

I keep hearing from a lot of men that they know what to do, but just haven’t gotten around to doing it yet.

Do you actually know?

Because if you’re an ambitious, successful guy, then surely you would have gotten it done by now if it were actually a priority.

This is why when I work with guys we focus so much on calendar control. We’re wired to care about outcomes more than actions. But it’s the actions that lead to these outcomes, and actions require time and space. If you have 50 things on your to-do list right now, I’m talking to you.

Stop downloading another productivity app that isn’t doing shit for you and your goals. Instead, take a step back, and define what an ideal day in your life looks like. Get really granular on this and define the actions.

Then, get very, very honest with yourself on how much time and willpower those actions will take at first. Contrary to popular alpha male belief, humans do not have unlimited willpower, so you need to allocate and spend it wisely.

Vision leads to outcomes. Outcomes demand actions. Actions require planning. Planning delivers results.

Don’t forget to ask for help along the way.