Modern airport travel is largely a mix of annoyance, irritation and stupid, outdated policies, but being stuck in the human sludge of TSA lines and lingering at clogged gates does have one benefit for writers: time to observe.
Amidst the frazzled parents with young kids screaming for more Bluey on their iPads, the exhausted elderly hanging on to their sanity until they get home while doomscrolling news updates on CNN or Fox and the teens/twentysomethings zombified with nothing but the light from their phone’s TikTok feeds glaring into their hoodies, there is a subset of men over forty who have been traveling for decades.
Men who wistfully remember parking and walking right to the terminal like you were heading into a mall. Men who remember a wife or girlfriend waiting at the gate when you got off the plane with a smile and a hug. Who remember when everyone had ample leg room and an okay in-flight meal and a mass market paperback to read and usually some decent small talk on the plane before takeoff with a seat neighbor (read my piece on Making Small Talk Great Again here).
Look, we aren’t travelers from some long distant past. We had these “luxuries” of travel a mere thirty years ago. Ask any Boomer over sixty who used to be a regular business traveler what it was like in the eighties and nineties to fly regularly as a loyal frequent flyer of Continental or TWA or Pan-Am. I can tell you what they’d say (my dad was one of these guys): It was awesome.
Now? Forget it. The entire experience from booking to flying is a vortex of idiocy.
And yet, we must fly. We have people to see and events to go to and cool shit we want to do.
So how do we manage this miasma of morons at every turn during the travel experience? We retreat into one of these stereotypes, where our personality is revealed to its base level amidst the unwashed masses of travelers. I’ve just returned from an excellent Spring Break ski trip to Deer Valley with my family and I had plenty of time to study how we, men over forty, move in the wild while waiting for flights.
These are the eight types of men I saw the most. Which one are you?
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1. The All-Work Assassin
This dude is locked in from the second he leaves his house. Perfectly arranged backpack (carried over one shoulder). Perfect, tucked in business casual outfit. Hair slick and combed. He’s got his laptop out and his earbuds in the second he hits the terminal and doesn’t move until he’s called to board. Likely premium boarding. Probably first class or a row in the single digits. He’s done with all interaction and social cues. This man just needs to get work done while he gets from point A to point B and anything else is a waste of time.
2. The Boomer Businessman
This guy is over sixty. I call him Frequent Flyer Fred because he’s probably named Fred. He’s wearing Docksiders, jeans, a gold Rolex and a tucked in golf shirt. Likely from a round in Pebble Beach he played in 2004. He’s either alone or possibly with his wife to visit the grandkids or heading out on vacation. He’s spent more time in airports than you can possibly fathom. He easily spots others like him and they chop it up about about the old Newark airport or how hot the Pan-Am stewardesses used to be. He has money. He’s seen it all. He’s at ease. He’s probably already had two beers at the bar.
3. The Flustered Guy
This poor bastard rarely, if ever, travels. The entire experience has flummoxed him. By the time he gets through the TSA line and finds the right terminal and gate, he looks like he’s just been given a body cavity search before entering a maximum security prison. He checks his gate ten times. He doesn’t know where his boarding zone is on the ticket. He can’t open the app on his phone or use the wallet feature. He doesn’t know if he has time to “run to pee”. Or if there’s a meal. Or a movie. Avoid this guy at all costs. And if Flustered Guy is paired with Flustered Wife, look the hell out.
4. The Walker
He won’t sit. He won’t lean. He won’t stop. The walker, whether alone or with his family sitting at the gate, will walk loops around the airport right up until it’s time to board. This man can’t stand the idea of sitting for two or four or seven hours on an airplane. He’s not antsy by nature, but the idea of having to just sit there makes him antsy, so he moves, constantly, until he’s forced to sit. I know this guy well because I am this guy.
5. The Midwest Dad
White, pristine New Balance sneakers. Jeans. Belt. Button up shirt tucked in. Sensible haircut. A set of glasses on his face he’s been wearing since ‘98. This guy probably runs a small business or is an executive at a small business. He’s used to being a big fish in a small pond, but airports are big ponds and it’s a little uncomfortable. But he projects confidence for his family. He guides his wife and kids to the gate. He has all the tickets on his phone. He tells everyone they have “five minutes to use the bathroom”. He’d got it under control. No ego. Just results and a nice belly hanging over his brown belt from JC Penny.
6. The Wannabe Pro Athlete
There’s athleisure, then there’s this dude. He’s wearing a matching track suit from some name brand he wants you to see that you’ve never heard of. He’s got the matching bag, too. There’s a good chance he’s wearing sunglasses inside or they’re still on his head. He’s wearing Beats headphones. He strolls like he just got off the team bus for an NFL game and is headed to the locker room. He might even look cool and you might even think he is a pro athlete (or maybe a retired one)… But then you see him board in Zone 4 and he’s seated in seat 26B, just like you.
7. The First Class Phenom
You barely see this guy and that’s the way he wants it. His company has been paying for his first class seats since before your kids were born. He’s likely been in the concierge lounge all morning, working the phones, eating excellent free food. Then, at the last minute, when premier boarding is called, he walks straight through the terminal, through the gate, through the jetway right to his seat. He glides. He doesn’t make eye contact. You only see him as a blur when they announce “First Class Passengers”, but he’s there and you secretly admire the hell out of him.
8. The Relaxed Dad or Empty Nester
This guy is usually traveling with his wife and two or three or four kids in tow. He’s usually stressed beyond belief from making sure the kids are all packed and his wife is set and the car is packed and they leave the house on time and they find a spot on time and they get through security on time and he usually has his head on a swivel for hours, keeping his kids in his eyeline, running them to the bathroom, pulling out snacks, watching the gate, etc… It’s exhausting.
But on this day, he’s flying solo and doesn’t have a care in the world. Nobody is asking him questions. He doesn’t have to keep track of three backpacks and headphones and tell his kids to stop fighting or manage his wife’s travel stress. The entire day is a family free chill-fest, travel be damned, and you can’t bring him down. This time at the airport, alone, is a virtual vacation for him. And he’ll take every minute of it.
There are a dozen more “types” I spotted, so we’ll do a Part II soon, but reply to our email and let us know which one of these guys you are (and don’t pretend you’re not one)… Or let me know who I missed.
Happy flying, haha!
Jon
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Jon Finkel
Editor-in-Chief, Midlife Male
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