I have a term for rich men over 40 who are unhappy.
I call them 3M guys: Miserable Midlife Millionaires. And I know a lot of them.
Now, the miserable part isn’t exclusive to the millionaires. But statistically speaking (and you know how I feel about statistics), after a certain point of income, happiness levels no longer increase. And this I can say with 100% certainty: money does not buy happiness.
But if you ask me whether I’d rather be middle class and miserable or rich and miserable, that’s the easiest Better One or Better Two choice ever. I’d rather be rich and miserable. At least you’ve got resources to work with. But the point remains: the misery is real, and it cuts across income levels.
So why are these guys who seemingly have it all so unhappy?
The simple answer is usually because they’re just not doing things that make them happy.
It’s not that they don’t know what those things are. Almost every guy I talk to knows exactly what he wants: learn chess, travel, get involved with a charity, spend more time with his kids, pick up golf, play less golf, work out, see a movie, reconnect with some old friends, go for a walk.
The frustration comes not from lack of clarity, but from all the reasons they create in their minds for why they can’t actually do it.
New to Midlife Male? Sign Up Now for Free
I have a friend who’s been telling me he wants to take guitar lessons for two years now, but he never starts. Every time we talk, I say to him, “Just take the damn guitar lessons already.”
“You’re worth around $20 million, right? You’ve bought five guitars; you probably now have $10,000 worth of guitars. I can see them in your office behind you when we’re on Zoom. How long have you been talking about taking guitar lessons? That’s the reason you’re still unhappy. You say you want to do something, and you don’t do it. There’s nothing holding you back but you.”
But there’s more to it. There’s always more to it. And that’s when I hit him with the truth:
“When you finally commit to taking the guitar lessons, if you’re still actively running your real estate portfolio (which drives you crazy) and you’ve been talking about hiring a management company to run it for you, that’s the underlying and real reason you’re not taking the guitar lesson; because you know, when you take the lesson, you’re going to be thinking about your rent rolls, insurance, the deal that’s blowing up and on and on.
So that means that the real reason you don’t do the things you say you want to do is because you struggle with actually being present to do them. You say you want to, but you don’t do anything different. Again, the problem is you.
Why? Because that’s how you’ve been wired. That’s what you’re conditioned to do. That’s what got you all the ‘success’ & money in the first place, and you’re great at it, it’s a big part of your identity and it’s hard to let it go. Sometimes, our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. C’mon, man. It’s time. Today’s the day you start.”
I think back to the happiness thing here. For so many men, it comes down to doing less of what you don’t want to do so you can do more of what you want to do. And most of these 3M guys cannot wrap their heads around the notion of doing less on purpose; of creating space in their day for their own well-being.
I was talking to our Editor-in-Chief Jon Finkel about this the other day. He’s 47 and he’s a competitive Masters Swimmer. One of the top 10 butterflyers in the US for his age (my least favorite stroke) and he made this comment:
“It’s not like every friend I hang out with is just a bunch of guys all doing the things they want. Competing. Training. Whatever. So many times I’ll mention I’m going to swim practice or have a meet or they’ll see a social post and they’ll be like, “I know I’m not a swimmer, but I wish I had time to do something I want to do like that.” And I always say: “You do, man.”
I’m a dad. I’m a husband. I work hard. I coach. I do everything you do. I just decided that three or four days a week, I’m blocking out one hour for me to work on something that fulfills me. And getting in the pool. Pushing. Fine tuning my stroke. That’s it. That’s my thing. Every other hour goes to my family and my writing and my work, but this is a commitment I made to myself and it makes me happy. You can do the same.”
I love this mindset from Jon. I have the same mindset. And I have the same conversations with my friends after I complete a 29029 event or post about a great boxing session or workout at a great facility.
The guys I know will say, “Greg, I can’t do what you do. I don’t have the time.”
My answer is always the same: Yes, you do, and yes, you can.
And when can you start?
You could start literally right now. We’ve done this exercise. Open up your calendar. Where do you see a free spot? That’s where you drop in the guitar lesson. Or the workout. That’s it.
Okay, now you see that other button underneath it? Click “repeat.” There you go. Every week, that’s blocked out. Now, when anybody calls or asks you for a business meeting or a sales call, or I tell you, “Hey, can you have a coaching call at that time?”, what is your answer going to be?
“No, I’m going to play guitar. I’m busy.”
And here’s the thing; if you are not comfortable telling people you are taking guitar lessons at two o’clock on a Thursday, I get that. The only answer you need to give is: “I’m unavailable.” Or “I have a prior engagement.” And then offer an alternative “How’s Friday at one?”
Personally, I’d own it and say, “I’m going to shred, dog.” But that’s just me.
And some of these guys are actually the boss in their businesses, and I’m like; “What are you doing? You have two executive assistants and you won’t tell them not to book you for all this other shit so you can actually have some time to do the things you tell me week-after-week that are so important to you?”
That’s the story of so many successful men. They confuse busyness with importance. They continue to fill their lives with things they can no longer stand and leave no room for the things they love and want to pursue.
“I wish I could be like you.” → You can.
“I don’t have the time.” → Yes, you do.
“I couldn’t do that.” → Yes, you could.
The difference isn’t money, or luck, or circumstance. It’s “choice”.
The Calendar Tells the Truth.
What we schedule gets done.
Here’s the thing: if you can schedule an hour to talk to me about why you don’t have time to do the thing you want, then you have the time to actually go do it.
Sometimes the best coaching I give is this: hang up the phone and go do the thing you just told me you wanted to do. Stop talking about it. Start doing it. Then I call them an hour later and say “Talking about doing pushups or doing pushups…Which one made you feel better?”. Has a 100% success rate.
That’s happiness. It’s not complicated. It’s not another meeting, another deal, another review of your portfolio. It’s doing the simple things you already know you want to do.
The bottom line is that money might give you more choices, but it doesn’t make the choice for you. If you want happiness, stop overcomplicating it.
Open your calendar. Drop in the thing you’ve been saying you want to do. Hit repeat. Protect it like your life depends on it, because it does.
In Health,
midlifemalmidli
femalemidlif
Greg Scheinman
Founder, Midlife Male
52. Husband. Father. Entrepreneur. Coach.
Follow me on LinkedIn, and Instagram
midlifemal
midlifemale
midlifemal
Join 35,000+ driven men over 40 getting free weekly advice on maximizing their health, wealth, and fulfillment in midlife. Subscribe here.
