Don’t take your significant other for granted.
I’m not saying you should be single or in a committed situation. I realize not everyone has a life partner or even wants one. I will say that since I am in a heterosexual marriage, my examples often come from that experience. But however you identify, you have just as much right and responsibility to be miserable or happy as anyone does. Whatever your preference, the takeaways in this piece are universal—how you show up for your partner and what you expect from them in return.
A committed relationship has been a game changer for me.
It’s not an exaggeration to say my wife has been a lifesaver.
I was in my early twenties, drifting personally but masking that reality with professional success and a lot of alcohol.
I had left Miramax and was living my dream of being in the film industry. I was an independent producer with a couple of films under my belt: Two Ninas, with Ron Livingston (yup, the guy from Office Space), Amanda Peet, and Cara Buono; and Boricua’s Bond, a hip-hop movie that to this day I’ve still never watched.
I literally fell for Kate while in California on a trip to sell the foreign rights to these movies. Actually, I fell over her drunk at the Skybar at the Mondrian Los Angeles hotel.
To this day, I have no idea why she took pity on me and gave me a chance to talk with her again. I would never recommend this as a pickup attempt, but we did start dating.
After several months of doing the long-distance thing, I convinced her to move down to South Beach, where I was then working for The Shooting Gallery (another indie film company whose claim to fame was the Billy Bob Thornton movie Sling Blade) to see whether this was going to work between us.
Kate, in every way imaginable, grounded me. If how she influenced me in just those first three years was impressive, just think what magic she’s worked over twenty years of marriage.
I can only hope that I’ve given her a portion of that value as a return on her investment. Kate’s made me a better partner, no doubt about that.
The result is that we are an incredible team that keeps getting better.
Whether parenting, encouraging each other to expand our horizons, confronting our insecurities, or balancing what we can afford with what we really want and need, we are in this together.
Create a winning team
Teamwork is a common thread I hear from successful men when they talk about their spouses.
If there is a lack of balance between what both partners bring to the table, the relationship can’t last. Or at least it shouldn’t. You’re both going to have strengths and weaknesses, and if you’re a strong team, you can suss that out to help each other and navigate daily life. In a sense, that’s the easy stuff.
More importantly, you both have to be contributing and filling the cup of the other in an equitable way if you’re going to play the long game.
Emotionally, cognitively, sexually, when making important decisions, when dealing with crises, when telling hard truths.
Don’t expect your partner to be all things at all times. That’s not fair to them any more than it’s fair for them to expect it of you. We all need our guy time, our alone time, our coaches and confidants.
But you’d sure as hell better be able to communicate clearly about when and how you need their support, when you need to seek it elsewhere, and how to respond when they ask you for your support.
It’s not how well you do all of this that matters as much as it is that you’re authentically making the effort to do it, consistently and willingly.
You’ll get better at it over time if your intention is clear. Trust me.
Better yet, trust your partner. They’ll let you know.
In Health –
G
