One of the best compliments a man can get is when someone says, “That guy brings value to every room he’s in.”
One of the worst things they can say?
“Don’t invite that guy. He’s a conversational liability.”
You know that guy.
We’ve all been trapped next to him at dinner. He’s got nothing to say, no curiosity, no interest outside his narrow little lane. He doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t bring energy, doesn’t connect dots. He’s just…there. A conversational black hole.
Meanwhile, across the table you’ve got guys locked in, fully engaged, lit up, and you can see it – you want to be part of that conversation because it’s alive. And let me be clear, this isn’t about bullshit small talk.
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A few weeks ago, our Editor-in-Chief, Jon, wrote a great column in his Manologue about the benefits he’s seen from making small talk around his town. In that setting, sure, there are some benefits. He makes a good case. As for me? I loathe small talk, especially in a corporate or event setting. Forget it. I’m out.
I’ve been through enough rubber chicken dinners and corporate networking events to last ten lifetimes.
I’m over pleasantries and nametags and bullshit.
What I’m after are real conversations with real energy, real curiosity, and stories that connect and make people want more.
At our Excellent Adventure in Miami last weekend we had fifteen guys from every walk of life; several authors and renowned speakers, a hedge fund guy, a chef, a tech founder, an artist, a guy who literally rowed across the Atlantic, another who brought a hundred grand worth of watches and wore a different one every night (I notice these things…). And not once did the conversation die.
Every meal, every workout, every walk on the beach was alive because nobody was a liability. The guy who rowed across the Atlantic didn’t just tell a story, he lived one. Forty-plus days at sea, rationing food, nearly dying when the boat flipped. That will hold a room. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to row an ocean to be interesting.
I wrote in The Middle earlier this week that you just have to: 1) do things and 2) stay curious about what other people are doing. That’s the combo. Be interesting, but also be interested.
In baseball they talk about five-tool players, the rare guys who can do it all. In midlife I call them six-F guys. Family, Fitness, Finance, Food, Fashion, Fun.
If you’ve built yourself into a man with balance across those areas you’re not just in the room, you’re making the room better. Family stories ground you. Fitness shows discipline. Finance brings wisdom. Food connects culture. Fashion expresses who you are. Fun makes you magnetic. That’s what people want to be around. That’s what people remember.
And listen, if you’re worried you’re the “boring guy,” here’s the deal: most men aren’t boring, they just don’t own their story. Or perhaps, they’ve got no story because they haven’t gone out and lived one. And that’s fixable.
If you don’t have stories, hobbies, passions, go get some. Earn them. Even that’s a conversation. “Hey, I used to be boring and here’s what I did about it.” Or, “I wasn’t sure what my voice was or if I had anything worth saying, so I took a public speaking course last month and…” Boom. Now you’ve got something real.
Transformation is interesting. Passion is interesting. Conviction is interesting. It doesn’t matter if it’s reading books, cooking, fixing old cars, or learning how to box. What matters is that you lean in, you live it, you share it.
And if you don’t have a story to tell yet, then ask better questions. Be curious. Make other people feel seen and heard. That’s a cheat code. It makes you interesting because you make others feel interesting. But for the love of God stay away from the landmines; politics, religion, culture wars. That’s the fastest way to turn into a liability and make the whole table groan. Nobody wants that.
In fact, here’s something that me and Jon found fascinating. If you go online to any platform right now, the conversation is loaded with political hot takes, ideological arguments, memes, insults, horrible headlines, clickbait and more.
Over this weekend we had more than a dozen high-achieving, highly intentional guys together from all over the country: California, Florida, New Jersey, Illinois, Texas… From all different backgrounds and faiths.
And do you know how many times politics came up?
Zero. Not once.
We had too many other areas of positive interest to worry about that shit.
Too many things in common to focus on.
There’s a lesson there.
Another thing that helps is to understand the level of conversation you’re operating on. Know when to keep it light and know when to go deep.
One of the fastest ways to become a conversational liability is to go too deep too fast. There’s a lot of white space between mindless small talk and going off the deep end with information or opinion overload. Master the middle. That’s the sweet spot.
And finally, for the love of God, nobody wants to hear your sob story. Nobody likes a complainer. Nobody wants to talk about your sore back. Nobody needs to hear fifteen minutes of complaining about your wife. Just. Stop.
So please take my advice: don’t be a conversational liability. Be a conversational asset instead. Lead with energy, curiosity, and conviction. That’s it. Bring those into any room and you’ll always get invited back. Don’t be the guy sitting quietly at the end of the table fading into the background. Nobody remembers that guy. They remember the one who made them think, laugh, connect, and want to do more. That’s the value-add. That’s the invitation back.
In Health,
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Greg Scheinman
Founder, Midlife Male
52. Husband. Father. Entrepreneur. Coach.
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